Application to Dept of Immigration

What follows is an actual job application that I just sent to the Department of Immigration, offering my services as an Application for Asylum Assessor:

Attn: Department of Immigration

Re: Application fro Employment

With the recent influx of people arriving and claiming asylum in Australia it would appear as though you would need a few more employees to keep up with the demand and clear the backlog of applications. Not only would this clear up a few of the headaches no doubt being experienced by employees within the portfolio, but also speed up the process of application evaluation and the reduction in the amount of time applicants need to be held by the department, reducing costs. A win-win situation if you will.

As for my qualifications, I hold a PhD in Science within the field of medical research, and while this may not strike you as immediately relevant to your cause, it has blessed me with some pretty darn fierce research skills, objectivity in the face of data, deep thinking, and finely tuned attention to detail, all qualities I would believe to be important in the processing of asylum seeker’s claims.

An accumulation of small events has led me to contacting you regarding work. First and foremost among these is my current unemployment within my field of specialty, and secondly the obvious need for more people to help speed up the process (and saving guv’mnt money in the process).

Of course I would be lying if I said that I did not feel some empathy with the plight of those seeking humanitarian asylum within our borders. I guess the tipping point in all of this for me was the SBS program ‘Go Back to Where You Came From’, which has finally compelled me to actually get off my arse and do something worthwhile instead of sitting and talking about it with friends, but never actually doing anything to change the status quo. So call me a latte-sipping lefty (I prefer long macchiato) or a chardonnay-sipping inner-city elitist (I prefer pinot noir) if you want, but I’m actually willing to put myself on the line and work towards an improvement in the situation.

So those are my cards on the table. I am ready and willing to be set to work. You could possibly argue that the relaxed tone of this letter means that I am not serious in this application, but believe me, I am. I’m just sick of writing the same old dull cover letters over and over and over. I feel it’s time for a change. Of course I would prefer if I could remain based in Melbourne. I don’t think anybody willingly lives in Canberra do they? But with the right package I could be tempted to work in Canberra and commute back to Melbourne on days off.

Let me know whether my skills would be of use, or whether there is some more formal channel through which I should apply. I figured it was worth a shot circumventing the normal procedure as it could speed things up somewhat, both for you with your significant backlog of applications and for me with my current unemployment.

Yours in good faith,

Dr. Lloyd White