I haven't had the greatest start in terms of volume of words, but I can in good conscience say that I have been productive. Aside from the words (see below), I have also done up a spreadsheet for our alcohol budget for our wedding covering all bases from sparklings to whites to reds to spirits (read: GIN) to beer to softies, incorporating all our favourite varieties. It's looking not too shabby if I say so myself. My better half was awestruck at the spreadsheeted goodedness.
And then life intervened and we went and welcomed another of our good Perth friends to her new hometown after having driven across the Nullabor. Welcome to Melbourne (finally), Sarah!
So onto the words:
'The faintest of possible rumbles developed in the distance and slowly, as the minutes passed, grew louder. Beth plotted the movement of the sound, the engine of a truck, along the highway over the hills. The pitch rose suddenly and slowly descended to a low rumble as the engine geared down to pass through the distant hamlet. The sound was muffled further as the highway passed behind another ridge, then grew again as it emerged from the shadow and exited the hamlet, gaining in pitch and momentum as it barrelled down the hill. As it rounded a corner its headlights glinted down the valley. As the lights moved past by degrees, so too the shadows of interrupted trees danced across the bedroom wall. Despite the miles separating her from the highway, it seemed to Beth as though the engine was hurtling directly towards their home, through their walls, into their bedroom. It roared straight through her before receding gradually back into the distance as it continued its way towards its destination.
Beth sighed and wrestled her heart back into a normal relaxed pattern.'
'Its skin shone beneath the three-quarter moon smiling benevolently from the northeast.'
'The Milky Way swept in an arc from northeast to southwest like the reflection of a handful of pebbles tossed idly across a pool of black water. Speckles of exploded stars resolved together within the cloud.'
My reworking, feel free to use or discard:
ReplyDeleteThe faintest of rumbles developed in the distance and grew louder as the minutes passed slowly; Beth plotted the shifting course of a truck engine winding through the hill road. The pitch rose suddenly and slowly descended to a low rumble as the engine geared down to pass through the distant hamlet*. The growl fell as the highway passed behind a ridge, then rose as it broke free of the hamlet and shadow; gaining pitch and momentum as it barrelled down the hill. Headlights glinted down the valley as it rounded a corner, shifting past by degrees so the shadows of interrupted trees danced across the bedroom wall. Despite the miles separatiner her from the highway, it seemed to Beth as though this living machine was tearing straight at her, through her walls and into the befroom. It roared straight through her before receding gradually back into the distance as it continued on its way.
Beth sighed and wrestled her heart back into relaxation.
*you might want to look this up again, because when you downshift an engine, the lower gear will be at higher revs (therefore higher pitch, louder noise).
Otherwise, well done sir. I especially like the last sentence of that post. Also you should use more semi-colons. And also feel free to disregard this at your leisure.
Respectfully, Sean.
Cheers Seany, I've amended the par as follows:
ReplyDeleteThe faintest of possible rumbles developed from the darkness and slowly grew louder as the minutes passed. Beth plotted the course of the sound- a truck engine- along the distant highway. The pitch suddenly rose as the engine geared down, before gradually descending again as the truck passed through a hamlet. The rumbling was muffled as the highway passed behind a ridge, before rising again as it emerged from the shadow of the earth to exited the hamlet; barrelling down the hill into the valley below. Headlights glinted down the valley as it rounded a corner, shifting past by degrees as the shadows of interrupted trees danced across the bedroom wall. Despite the miles separating them Beth felt as though the machine was bearing down on her, her home, through her walls, into her bedroom. It roared straight through her before receding gradually back into the distance as it continued its way.
Beth sighed and wrestled her heart back into relaxation.
Thanks for your input; keep it coming. Lloyd
sounding very atmospheric Lloyd....
ReplyDelete